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Growing Children, Thriving Children
by Lou Harvey-Zahra
As children outgrow sitting on laps, holding hands, maybe even bedtime cuddles, which activities continue to foster daily connection between you and your children? Eating evening meals together and talking about your day. A bedtime whisper of loving words. A shared book? Every family has their own regular times to connect together. It is vital that we recognise how important these are during middle childhood from 7 to 12 years.
At times, the busyness of life can take over. Every day is full of school runs, work, digital distractions and other activities.
It can feel like there is no time to really connect with our children, especially as the bonds of early childhood begin to loosen. But this is not the time to disconnect. Middle childhood provides an opportunity to reinforce bonds in new ways through family rhythms that suit your children’s stage of development.
This article is taken from my new book Growing Children, Thriving Children: Raising 7 to 12 Year Olds with Confidence and Awareness and aims to provide practical guidance in establishing and maintaining daily family rhythms that allow conversation and connection, even when parents feel time-poor, stretched, or, at times, rejected.
The following ideas can foster feelings of security, inclusion, connection, love and joy during the middle years of childhood.
Mornings can sometimes feel like a rush to get everyone out of the door on time, but it’s important that children are met with a moment of warmth to start the day, like the rising of the sun. Loving words begin the day in a positive way. As a morning greeting, I would simply say ‘My love’ or ‘My beautiful’ with a quick embrace.
Dedicate a few seconds each morning to displaying love, rather than a growl to get ready!
I was recently listening to American talk show host Jimmy Fallon speak about his late mother. He explained that they had played a special hand squeezing game together. Three squeezes meant ‘I love you’. This could easily be used as a morning greeting, or at the school gate as a subtle farewell.
After school, children’s (and parents’) moods may be negatively influenced by hunger and tiredness ‒ also known as being ‘hangry’! Prepare a quick afternoon snack of chopped fruit and vegetables, and a drink while your child finds the current chapter book. The power of reading to children is not to be underestimated.
On a physical level, their breathing will slow and deepen, and the body will gradually unwind and become more relaxed.
A parent’s voice allows children to go into an almost hypnotic, subconscious state, allowing them to imagine mental pictures, connect to characters and unconsciously absorb moral issues. This develops their creative capacities, and expands their impressions of life, and so much more… It creates an opportunity for connection after school, or if not time, at bedtime.
Here are some of my favourites to read to children during the middle years:
-7-year-olds: The Faraway Tree series; The Wishing-Chair collection; Mr Galliano’s Circus series; Children of Willow Tree Farm and The Cherry Tree Farm.
-8-year-olds:
Stig of the Dump by Clive King; Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, James and the Giant Peach, The BFG, Fantastic Mr Fox, George’s Marvellous Medicine, The Witches and Matilda.
-9-year-olds: Little House in the Big Woods; Farmer Boy; Little House on the Prairie; On the Banks of Plum Creek and By the Shores of Silver Lake. As well as The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum.
-10-year-olds:
some recommended reads include The Chronicles of Narnia series by C.S. Lewis; Heidi by Johanna Spyri and The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett.
My daughter was seven when I found two identical foot spas in the local second-hand shop. I would add a few drops of lavender to the water, and while I read a chapter book aloud, we would soak our feet together. It wasn’t long before my son’s toes ventured in too! You can create a foot spa easily at home by filling a washing-up bowl with warm water and a few drops of essential oil. Place marbles on the bottom. Now roll your feet for pure relaxation!
Daily communication times form a strong foundation in middle childhood, which is important for the upcoming teenage years.
Children need to feel that they can talk to their parents, and that there are always opportunities for communication.
The ‘weather report’ is a game which provides an opening to hearing about each other’s days. Children and parents can use weather symbols to describe the feel of the day, ‘sunny’, ‘cloudy’. If parents go first, children often follow.
The dinner table is a place to build the family ‘tribe’ during middle childhood, to cultivate a feeling of belonging together. When a parent asks children, ‘What did you do today?’, the most common response is ‘Nothing’! But if adults act as role models, sharing the events of their day first, children will naturally join in. To foster conversation skills during mealtimes, play the rose game.
In the rose game, each person thinks of a rose as they reflect on their day. The parts of the rose remind them of things they can talk about: ‘petals’ represent an enjoyable or fun memory from the day, a favourite aspect or moment; the stem symbolises a new lesson, something that the person learnt that day; the thorns signify an event that caused sadness or anger ‒ or perhaps even laughter. Take it in turns to describe the day, using each part of the rose.
Bedtime is an important transition time of the day. Children are entering into the unconscious, so it is a time for comfort, a time to feel safe and loved still.
The following ideas suggest ways of connecting at bedtime. During the middle years of childhood, whisper a loving message at bedtime. Once my children were in bed, I would simply whisper, ‘I am so glad you are my son’, or, ‘I love you’. The middle years of childhood can include emotional ups and downs, so ending the day with a loving moment is special
Rhythms for morning greetings, resting, meals, chats and bedtimes may appear simple, but the emotional connection and stability they bring during the years of middle childhood are not be underestimated.
These rhythms create profound long-term emotional associations, they are free and often take five minutes.
Lou Harvey-Zahra’s new book is Growing Children, Thriving Children: Raising 7 to 12 Year Olds with Confidence and Awareness. This is Lou’s 4th parenting book, following on from her Waldorf bestseller Happy Child, Happy Home and Creative Discipline, Connected Family. Lou lives with her family in Melbourne. See her website is www.happychildhappyhome.com